In the Kitchen with Kella: Sandwiches

By Kellyann Patin

If you’re reading this article, I’m betting you’re a woman (like me!) and gosh-DARN-it if women aren’t just so crafty in the kitchen!

At least we must be, because men are always asking us to make them a sandwich! They must have a lot of faith in our womanly cooking abilities to trust us with such an important task! We mustn’t let them down.

So here’s my Patin-ted recipe for a perfectly delightful sandwich for that special misogynist in your life!

You’ll need:

2 (two) slices of bread (be sure to ask your man his preference!)

Ham

Lettuce

Mustard

200 mg of sweet, sweet arsenic

First, take your bread slices and lay them out on some sort of plate, preferably one with an oh-so-dainty pattern on it so that your man can be confident in your femininity. Then, on one slice, carefully draw a smiley face with the mustard. If you’re artistically inept (which I know you are, because you’re a woman!), it’s okay, because he won’t see it or care that it’s there, anyway.

Next, gently position the lettuce on the other slice of bread, making sure its edges exceed the edge of the bread. Do the same with the ham on the slice with the mustard.

Now, before we close this baby up, generously add the arsenic to either side of the sandwich—it doesn’t matter which side, just pick one before he notices you’re taking too long.

Fun Fact: the lethal dosage of arsenic for an adult is between 70 and 200 mg. We don’t do anything half-assed around here!

Now that your sandwich is simply to die for, serve it up! What else could you possibly be good for?!

I hope you’ll use this nifty little recipe next time a man asks you to make him a sandwich on the grounds that you were born with ovaries! It’s especially effective when he uses said point as a rebuttal in a debate about sexism. After a few of these special sandwiches, you’ll be rid of those silly boys (and be added to the “Suspicious Persons List”) in no time!